Warning: there are SPOILERS in this post (amidst the confusion).
Yeah, I said it: I've never seen a Star Wars film.
I've also never posed for a photo before, I guess.
Will Varner / BuzzFeed
That is, I hadn't, until I went with two other BuzzFeeders, Will Varner and Maritsa Patrinos (and one former BuzzFeeder, Dan Meth) to see The Force Awakens.
(As jokes about the movies have been my only frame of reference up until this point, I was pretty much only thinking about this line from Arrested Development for the entirety of the movie.)
Imagine Entertainment
WILL VARNER: What do you think Star Wars is about?
ME: Honestly, I don't know. All I know is that Darth Vader is the bad guy, and there's, like, the Death Star, which I guess is his ship? And, I don't know, does Luke fight against him and he doesn't know it's his dad?
WV: What does Luke fight with?
ME: Lightsaber. [Laughs]
WV: What's a lightsaber?
ME: It's, like a, some kind of radioactive, something. Well, it's not radioactive.
DAN METH: Who are Luke's friends?
ME: I don't know. I have no idea.
MARITSA PATRINOS: Do you know where Luke is from?
ME: No.
WV: What does Luke do besides fight Darth Vader?
ME: I feel like I should know that. Oh, he's a Jedi.
WV: Tell us, what does it mean to be a Jedi?
ME: Uhh...you have to train.
DM: What are the names of the robots?
ME: R2D2 and C3P0. R2D2 is the short one and C3P0 is the British one. [Laughs]
WV: What are their personalities?
ME: R2D2 is really quirky and just, like, I don't know, rolls around. I think C3P0 is more intelligent and wise.
WV: What are the names of the Star Wars movies?
ME: Completely beats me. I know there are different episodes and they're in backwards chronological order, is that right? Is that right?!
[Everyone laughs]
WV: Sort of. Who are some of the women in Star Wars?
ME: Leia, and there's a queen. Right?
WV: Yes, there is a queen.
DM: I was like, "Nope," but then I was like, "Yeah, there is!"
MP: There's Leia, and there's a queen, and that's it, in the entire universe!
WV: When did the first Star Wars come out?
ME: Um...'70...I'm basing this on me watching That '70s Show pretty recently.
WV: That's a perfect sound byte.
DM: She knows That '70s Show better than Star Wars.
WV: What are some quotes?
ME: "Use the Force," and "Luke, I am your father."
MP: Spoiler!
DM: Name every character you can.
ME: I mean, that's all I know. Oh, Yoda is another one.
WV: What do you know about Yoda?
ME: He's the one that talks in that weird...way that he talks.
WV: Yes.
ME: He has big ears and wears a robe. Is he the one that trains Luke as a Jedi? And, oh...fuck. What's the name of that thing that Tanner* loves so much?
WV: We're not going to say.
MP: We don't discuss that.
ME: I love it because that thing is so annoying.
MP: Does he love to hate it?
WV: He loves to hate it, yeah.
ME: Oh, Jar Jar Binks, that's what it is.
MP: What movie is Jar Jar Binks in, do you know?
ME: I have no idea.
WV: What does Jar Jar Binks do?
ME: Uhh, I don't know, but he seems annoying, like, in a good way.
WV: No.
MP: Hard disagree.
WV: He's annoying, but not in a "good way."
ME: OK.
[*The "thing" that Tanner (another Star Wars aficionado and coworker) has is an infamous toy that is universally reviled around the office. You press a button and it dances to the cantina song (Yes, I know the cantina song), and it's VERY LOUD. Most people hate it, but I love it because of how annoying it is. Tanner also has displayed several other Jar Jar Binks toys prominently on his desk, which he bought on eBay.]
MP: Why does Darth Vader wear that suit?
ME: I don't know, does he not have a head? [Laughs]
MP: I would love that.
DM: Who does the voice of Darth Vader?
ME: Oh, I know who it is but I can't remember his name.
WV: So, this movie is called The Force Awakens.
ME: I know!
WV: You tell us what's going to happen.
ME: Well, I'm assuming something, like, the good powers in the last movie, like, something happened, like, a bad thing happened in the last movie...
MP: Do you know what the Force is?
ME: Um, no, not really. Like, good powers? I don't know.
DM: Do you know the names of any of the aliens or alien species?
ME: No. Oh, I know another character, Chewbacca. He makes a funny noise.
DM: What's the name of the giant gross thing?
ME: Oh, um, yeah, I know that thing. It's Boba Fett, right? No, that's not right.
DM: No, I'm talking about Jabba The Hutt. [Oops. In my defense, the two names DO sound kind of similar!]
WV: Why do you think people care about Star Wars so much? Why this movie? It's just a movie.
ME: Because it's...I don't know, it's probably extremely influential; one of the most influential sci-fi movies, and one of the earliest ones, and probably really ahead of its time as far as special effects.
By the end of the discussion, all the experts agreed that Star Wars is influential, but that my overall knowledge of it was frighteningly shallow.
DM: I feel like now I know that you don't know anything.
1. BB-8 is slow. How is he even helping? This is something I stand by, and will be a recurring theme in this post.
2. Darth Vader has a new helmet. I thought Kylo Ren was Darth Vader for a good third of the film.
3. Do lightsabers always kill?
4. That female Stormtrooper is cool.
5. What is happening?
6. BB-8 is sad and lonely, someone get that dude a friend. I'm laughing at BB-8 at this point.
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