Game of Bones.
Jaime Lannister
It's impossible to ignore that Jaime Lannister now has what can only be described as a very extreme and terrifying sex toy permanently fitted to the end of his right arm. Apparently Cersei loves it – which at least makes a change from her consistently fisting the rest of the Westerosi public – but for the tamer souls among us it's all just a little bit much. Fortunately, Jaime's dick is in perfect working order and is completely metal free. Unfortunately, the only person he'll fuck is his own sister.
Shag rating: 5/10
HBO
Jon Snow
List of things Jon Snow knows:
1. How to pleasure a woman.
2. Olly is a dickhead.
3. That's it.
Despite having virtually no experience, Jon Snow is a total demon in the sack, and it's debatable which kind of sword he's more skilled with – Valyrian steel or pork. He's generous to the point of absurdity, and completely throws aside his noble demeanour when he gets you naked in bed (or in a cave). Well, you know what they say: Crow on the streets, wildling in the sheets.
Shag rating: 9/10
HBO
Grey Worm
Let's not beat around the bush, we aren't actually sure whether Grey Worm has a penis. This, when it comes to sex, can be a fairly significant problem. "Look at my sword", he's saying here, "it's this big, I promise", but why should we believe him? For all we know it's lying limp and pickled in a jam jar on his old master's mantlepiece.
Shag rating: ?/10
HBO
Ramsay Bolton
The real reason Ramsay tortured Theon actually had nothing to do with northern politics and everything to do with penis envy. Not only was Ramsay born out of wedlock, but he was also born with a two-inch penis. As a teenager, he thought he may be able to rectify the problem by masturbating furiously and at least three times a day, but this only led to severe amounts of pain and anger, which he has still never managed to let go.
Shag rating: 1/10
HBO
No comments:
Post a Comment